ATTN: Science and math guys (and gals), engineers, whoever decides how to allocate all your funds and everybody else.
Dear NASA,
Hi! I would like to start off by saying that I am now, and have always been, a huge fan of your work. Every time I think about what you guys (and gals) accomplished with the Voyager mission, my mind is blown like it's the first time I truly understood the scope of what was accomplished. You have worked what can only be described as miracles considering the technology at your disposal at the time. Now... I said that so I can say this and you'll know it comes from a place of love tinged with a little frustration. Sorry this has to be so blunt but here it goes. Just what the fuck is going on with you guys lately? I know you've had a few breakthroughs lately but your central preoccupation seems to be dicking around in low Earth orbit and being a multibillion dollar ferry service to shuttle people up to the International Space Station. What exactly goes on up there? It seems to me like it's simply an expensive zero-gee adult playground/fuckatorium.
For the record, I don't say this to be mean or to somehow marginalize what you've accomplished in the last twenty years or so. You put a trio of rovers on Mars and two of them you didn't lose because the rover itself was programmed in meters while the thing that controlled the rover was programmed in feet. I hope you have a more stringent drug testing policy now because I would hate for you to have any more mishaps like that. It detracts from your great work. You've discovered water on the Moon! You should be proud of that! Now what are you going to do with that knowledge? I shouldn't have to tell you that water is 2/3 hydrogen and hydrogen is rocket fuel. You know that already. Now it's time to take the next logical step.
Now, I don't know what big plans you have on the horizon but I can tell you that the majority of the people in the United States will probably not care. If fact, they wouldn't give two shits if you did anything short of sending a man to Mars or finding ET. I know, I know, people were already sick of the Apollo missions after 11 and nobody cared about Apollo 13 until there was a possibility they might all die. Do you want to know why? Too much repetition. After Apollo 11 you kept sending different people to the Moon to do the same old shit as far as the general population was concerned. They hit a golf ball? On the Moon? Fascinating.
You need to keep the people interested if you want to keep any of your funding in the future. When I was a kid they still televised shuttle launches. Nowadays, they don't. Why? There's rarely anything more interesting going on in the world than some astronauts sitting atop 10 thousand gallons of rocket fuel fixing to escape their Earthly bonds for the vacuum of space. What do they do once in orbit? A whole lot of nothing. Nobody cares about bringing spare parts up to the ISS. In fact, nobody cares about the ISS at all. Well, I do but I'm not the one you need to win over. Send some really attractive people up to the ISS and have them get it on in zero gee. Put it on pay-per-view. People would pay for that shit in an instant. I would. Shameless publicity stunt? Absolutely. But It'll get people to turn off Dancing with the Stars and Jersey Shore if only for a day. It would be worth it just for that.
If my opinion counts for anything (and why shouldn't it now that we're such good friends?) your next serious project should be the beginnings of a space elevator. Put a giant anchor into geosynchronous orbit, tether a thick diamond filament to it that runs all the way down to an anchor on the Earth below and name it after Arthur C. Clarke. It can't be done, they say? It would be too expensive, they say? You guys are practically miracle workers from where I'm sitting. Need I remind you that I own a $10 calculator with more computing power than what you used to put on man on the Moon in 1969? Look at how much you accomplished between 1962 and 1969. The Russians were kicking America's ass to every milestone in the space race but we prevailed in the end. They sent a probe that missed the Moon entirely. You guys (and gals) put boots on the ground. You can do anything you put your collective minds to. In the long run, the space elevator will pay for itself. We're still using the most inefficient method for lifting mass into orbit. Why? Name another mode of transportation that hasn't really innovated in nearly 50 years? Exactly. Earth based rocket launches are cool but a big waste of energy and resources. It's time for a new way of escaping Earth's gravity.
Today, a space elevator. Tomorrow, a permanent Moon base. Am I getting too far ahead of myself? If you need to work your way up to those ideas and want to start a little smaller, might I suggest a good old-fashioned probe? The Galileo Probe was pretty cool but it didn't exactly work like it was supposed to, did it? Plus it seemed like Voyager lite with better resolution to a lot of people. What you need to do is land a probe on Europa that has an appendage that can drill through the ice and put a camera, or at least a sensor of some sort, into the water. Actively looking for life will get peoples attention better than SETI ever could. Even if we heard something at Arecibo it would just sound like gibberish to the layman. Video footage of shit swimming around under a sheet of ice millions of miles away would blow their little minds and get people interested in space exploration again. People's apathy about NASA really comes down to a lack of showmanship on your part. It's like a series of sequels that have the exact same plot as the original without even the decency to be more violent or have more nudity. There's no incentive to care about space because you've not making it interesting.
A quick idea about generating some positive PR. Sell tickets to the vomit comet. Everybody dreams of going into space to experience zero gravity but very few actually will. The VC is the next best thing and you'll put to rest the notion some people have about some room at NASA that you walk into and suddenly there's no gravity. I shit you not. There's people who actually believe that and I think one of the Revenge of the Nerds movies is responsible for it.
I've pretty much said my peace but I want to reiterate my love for NASA and all things space. I'm one of the good guys. I never stopped caring. Every pointless launch, every stupid little mission. I still care. I just wonder about the reason for your malaise and what would snap you out of it. You need to shake things up and get people thinking about space again. Have you thought about maybe sending a nuke out to the asteroid belt and fragging an asteroid just to prove you can? It would be a complete waste of money but it certainly would be cool. Just say it was coming right at us. People don't know any more than what they're told but they do like explosions. Even if people can't see them they know they were cool. Blow up that weird little captured asteroid that follows behind us. Say we were being stalked by a stealth killer asteroid. Nobody trusts something that's been sneakily following them for years without their knowledge.
I know this all seems like destruction for destructions sake but it's the only way to make people care. Few people are interested in Jupiter all the time. Everyone was interested in Jupiter when Shoemaker-Levy 9 got sucked up and ripped apart by Jupiter's gravity. Hint hint. In case that was too subtle, shoot some shit into Jupiter to watch it get ripped to shreds. That's Jupiter's job! It's the solar system's goalie. Does it need over 60 Moons? Probably not. Figure out a way to push one of the smaller ones into the planet and enjoy the show.
I think you'll find that if you follow some of my ideas you will get people interested in space. Knowing this country, the pointless destruction will probably be what really does it for people. But if you blow some shit up, it'll make them care about your probe. Secretly, or maybe not so secretly, they will be hoping that when it reaches it's destination, it's sole purpose will be to blow some shit up. In short, give the uneducated masses what they want and you can trick them into caring about the actual scientific advances and exploration.
I pray that I've just spelled out what you've all been thinking, or at least have suspected, for years. i hope this has been as enlightening for you as it has been for me.
Your not so secret admirer,
Tim
P.S. Always remember: The more that people love you, the more the Government will throw money your way (unless you like having half of your budget go to things that are decidedly not space related). The ball is in your court.
